Dr. Stefanie Carnes, PhD, CSAT-S, Senior Fellow at The Meadows
Women who seek treatment related to their out of control romantic and/or sexual behaviors are sometimes unsure about how to label their issue. They ask, “Am I a love addict, a relationship addict, or a sex addict?” Generally, their confusion stems from the fact that love, relationship, and sex addictions manifest in similar and sometimes interrelated ways, making it difficult to distinguish one from another. That said, there are some subtle differences that can usually be identified.
Regardless of the label, addictions (of all types) are nearly always driven by a desire to escape from (to not feel) emotional discomfort—stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness, shame, boredom, etc. Most often, this sense of emotional discomfort is rooted not in the moment, but in childhood trauma. In fact, the vast majority of addicts—including love, relationship, and sex addicts—report extensive early-life histories of neglect and various forms of abuse, and these are the unresolved issues that underlie and drive their addictive behaviors.
If you are confused about whether you are a love, relationship, or sex addict, the information below may help to clarify your situation.
Love Addiction
Love addiction is best described as loving another person with an intensity that is not in the best interest of yourself or the other person. Typically, love addicts are preoccupied to the point of obsession with another individual, and they push aside their own needs and wants to fulfill the needs and wants of the other person. This creates an unhealthy dependence where the needs and desires of the other person are invariably met by the love addict, while the love addict’s needs and wants are mostly ignored.
Love addicts tend to garner and measure their self-worth based on external things—how they look, what they wear, and, most importantly, how much someone else seems to want/need them. Basically, they confuse being needed with being loved. Instead of getting their own needs met, they choose to compulsively focus on the other person, using that person’s response as their primary (and sometimes only) source of validation. So a love addict’s self-esteem is not self-esteem at all; it is other-esteem, generated by who the addict is with rather than her internal sense of self-worth.
Relationship Addiction
Relationship addiction is in many ways similar to love addiction. The primary difference is that love addicts tend to focus on a single long-term relationship, whereas relationship addicts typically bounce from one relationship to another. As such, relationship addicts expend a tremendous amount of time and energy on romance—hooking partners, looking for a new partner, escaping one relationship to pursue another, juggling multiple relationships simultaneously, and, at times, struggling to avoid relationships altogether.
Relationship addicts are preoccupied to the point of obsession not with a single partner, as love addicts are, but with falling in love. Except they’re not actually looking for love. What they really want is the emotional and neurochemical “high” they feel when they meet someone new and start the chase. When this occurs, instead of moving forward into healthier but less intense long-term intimacy, they focus on and compulsively pursue the all-consuming escapist “rush” of early romance.
Sex Addiction
Sex addiction is in many ways similar to love and relationship addiction. The primary difference is that sex addicts are obsessively focused on sex rather than a person or relationships. Highly objectified sexual fantasies and the pursuit of sexual activity take over and control the addict’s thinking, eventually creating a wide variety of consequences—damaged relationships, trouble in school or at work, depression, social and emotional isolation, loss of self-esteem, financial issues, physical ailments, legal trouble, etc.
Another primary difference between sex addicts and both love and relationship addicts is sex addicts typically use the lure of romance to attract sexual partners, while love and relationship addicts do the opposite, using the lure of sex to attract and/or keep a romantic partner.
Summary
The compulsive search for love, relationships, and/or sex is nearly always rooted in childhood trauma.
The compulsive search for love, relationships, and/or sex is nearly always rooted in childhood trauma.
Basically, individuals with less than nurturing childhoods tend to have lower than normal self-esteem, which causes them to look outside of themselves for validation. Their sense of worthiness may come from being needed (as in love addiction) or through constant romantic and/or sexual validation provided by other people (as in relationship and sex addiction). The most important thing to remember is that if you or someone you know is struggling with one of these intimacy disorders, is healing is possible with treatment and recovery.
Love, Relationship, and Sex Addiction Treatment for Women
Willow House at The Meadows located in Wickenburg, Arizona, provides an intensive, 45-day treatment program for women with the complex issues of intimacy disorders, love addiction, and relational trauma. In a safe and nurturing community composed of their peers, women are guided on their journey of recovery by examining the underlying causes their mental health struggles and self-destructive behaviors. The goal is for these individuals to gain the courage to face difficult issues including grief and loss, heal from emotional trauma, and become accountable for their own feelings, behaviors, and recovery. To learn more call 800-244-4949.
Love addiction, also known as pathological love, refers to a “pattern of behavior characterized by a maladaptive, pervasive and excessive interest towards one or more romantic partners, resulting in lack of control, the renounce of other interests and behavior, and other negative consequences”¹.
Because “love addiction” is not officially recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), it can be hard to determine how many people actually suffer from this problem.
Certain studies estimate that between 5-10% of the US population may experience this potentially destructive behavior. Love addiction is more common in certain populations, such as an estimated 12-26% in college students².
So how do we identify love addiction? Is it possible to avoid? And what can we do to heal?
What does love addiction look like?
Dr. Stanton Peele, psychologist and psychotherapist who authored the book Love and Addiction, believes “all of us know people whose compulsive or obsessive engagements in relationships have caused great damage.”
Whenever Dr. Peele hosts workshops, he often shares an exercise where he offers a different definition of addiction: he defines addiction as “becoming enmeshed in a destructive involvement, but rather than extricating yourself, you continue to pursue it, causing yourself even more pain and damage.” After sharing this definition, Dr. Peele then asks how many people have been in an addictive relationship. Most people raise their hands.
Love addiction can look like³:
- A compulsive need to be in love or fall in love often
- Putting your romantic partner on a pedestal
- Obsessing over a romantic interest
- Experiencing cravings, withdrawals, and euphoria over a partner
- Creating a dependency or codependency on your partner
- Seeking emotional comfort from to the point of unrequited love
The negative consequences of love addiction are similar to the negative consequences of any other substance addiction. Individuals may experience:
- An inability to function normally in everyday life
- Clear negative consequences for the individual and those around them
- Inability to experience a healthy relationship that can lead to mutual growth, well-being, and self-esteem
Love addiction can manifest in various ways, just like any other addiction.
What causes love addiction?
A few different factors can influence love addiction, just like any other kind of addiction. Genetics, trauma, and upbringing significantly impact our likelihood of addiction. And, just like with substances, early exposure to addictive relationships can increase the chance of someone experiencing love addiction.
Love addiction can stem from a few other factors³:
- Low self-esteem
- Childhood trauma: abuse, neglect, rejection
- Fear of abandonment
- Lust or sex addiction
Love addiction can also stem from an unhealthy attachment style⁴. There are four main types of attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment: Feels safe and secure and able to regulate one’s own emotions
- Anxious Attachment: Clings to a partner out of fear of abandonment
- Avoidant Attachment: Stops seeking closeness or expressing emotion out of fear of intimacy; may find it hard to trust others or form close emotional bonds
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: A combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles, may avoid affection yet have a deep craving for it
Our attachment styles are not fixed, and we can take active steps to heal to create healthier bonds. If you’re not sure what healthy love looks like, it can be helpful to examine what healthy love isn’t.
Toxic Love Versus Healthy Love
Power games. Being possessive. Obsessively wondering whether your partner is cheating. Clinging to their company. Feeling filled with anxiety about what they’re doing, whether they’ll call. You might feel out of control or think about the person so much that they permeate all of your thoughts. All of these behaviors could be considered a toxic kind of love.
On the other hand, healthy love can focus on mutually committing to growing together and feeling fulfilled both independently and with one another. You might share a common goal, like creating a business or nurturing a family, or if you have diverse interests, you might support one another in achieving each other’s aspirations without having to be attached every single moment of every single day.
When does love become destructive?
Scientists like to use the term “process addiction” to gauge when a behavior becomes addictive. In contrast to substance addiction, where an individual is actively dependent on a drug or other equivalent substance, “process addiction” refers to activities, such as gambling, shopping, sex, or eating.
There are striking similarities in process addictions to drug addictions, and the brain can experience chemical reactions that rival substance addiction just from completing these behaviors. When we develop a dependency on these chemical reactions, the seemingly “normal” behavior may transform into addictive behavior.
A person with love addiction may show they need increased amounts of a certain behavior to achieve the desired emotional effect. As a result, they may have issues when they try to stop the behaviors or find it extremely challenging to be alone, thereby feeling desperate. They may experience withdrawal symptoms and find it extremely difficult to manage their emotions.
Romantic love releases dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, and serotonin, stimulating regions of the brain associated with feelings of pleasure, reward, and trust. This process involves the same neural activities and parts of the brain associated with addiction.
With this in mind, it’s easy to understand how love addiction can be just as powerful and destructive as any other substance addiction. Love addiction can be challenging to manage on your own because we all need a certain amount of love, affection, and human connection in order to be truly healthy.
Finding Support for Love Addiction
Experts find that the goal shouldn’t be to eliminate feelings of love, given that these are authentic aspects of a person’s mind and personality. Instead, we should look and see if there are signs that point to a deeper issue or a root cause.
For many, love addiction can be a symptom of a bigger issue. A therapist can help you explore barriers to healthy connection in cognitive behavioral therapy. They can help identify any co-occurring issues, such as potential sex addiction or attachment disorders. Together, you can develop a plan to help you heal from love addiction while developing healthier attachments and patterns of communication.
Love addiction, just like any other addiction, is nothing to be ashamed of, and there is plenty of professional support available. If you are struggling with love addiction or you’re not sure how to recognize unhealthy relationship habits, we can help. Call us at 855-510-4585 or start a to see how we can help you get to the root of love addiction and love yourself in the process.
Reference:
- Sanches, M., & John, V. P. (2019). Treatment of love addiction: Current status and perspectives. European Journal of Psychiatry, 33, 38-44.
- Earp, Brian D et al. “Addicted to love: What is love addiction and when should it be treated?.” Philosophy, psychiatry, & psychology : PPP vol. 24,1 (2017): 77-92. doi:10.1353/ppp.2017.0011
- Murray, Krystina. “Love Addiction.” Edited by David Hampton, Addiction Center, Recovery Worldwide, LLC, 7 Dec. 2021, //www.addictioncenter.com/drugs/love-addiction/.
- Feeney, Judith A., and Patricia Noller. “Attachment Style as a Predictor of Adult Romantic Relationships.” American Psychological Association, Inc., 1990.
- Emamzadeh, Arash. “What Is Love Addiction? | Psychology Today.” Psychology Today, 10 Feb. 2019, //www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-new-home/201902/what-is-love-addiction.
- Peele, Stanton, and Archie Brodsky. Love and Addiction. Broadrow Publications, 2015.
Reviewed by Emmeline Massey MSW, LSW