You cant help someone who doesnt want to help themselves

When someone in our lives is struggling, it causes within each of us a particular reaction. Some of us will seek to ‘save’, some will seek to support, some will attempt to ignore. For many of us, our reaction will depend very much on our emotional relationship with the cause of the other person’s struggle. Some of us will have great empathy and sympathy towards grief, for example, but will have a more complex relationship with addiction, perhaps. All of this depends on how we have dealt with these issues ourselves and our projection of what we needed at that time, or imagine we would need should this happen within our lives. It will also depend on our cognitive understanding of each struggle. For example, we may imagine that grief will cause pain to manifest in a certain manner. However, each person’s understanding of grief is individual. The blanket pain of grief does not allow for the nuance of each person’s relationship with the deceased. Sympathising with someone whose parent has passed away does not allow for the layered relationship that the grieving person has. What if their connection with the deceased was flawed and they are left with anger and feelings of betrayal? Anyone sympathising with this person would not be able to know this, but we do need to approach every struggle that we see in another with the basic presumption that we do not know everything about how the other is feeling. Our relationship with their struggle is different to theirs. In almost all instances, it’s worth asking how someone is, rather than presuming that we know.

Lying centrally to the complexity of this issue is another issue. That is how each of us navigates our relationship with someone who is struggling but refuses to seek help, accept help or perhaps even acknowledge that there is an issue.

You may be watching someone that you love change entirely and behave in a manner that seems ‘out of character’ or at odds with our understanding of the person’s moral and ethical code. You can see that this change is happening as a consequence of something tangible that the person is struggling with. However, when confronted in any way, this person will not acknowledge the issue or will seek to minimise the effect and consequence of it. It can feel, to you, that this person will not help themselves.

First of all, it is important to acknowledge what happens to you, as a person, when someone will not accept the offering of support and comfort that we make to them. It is natural to feel rejected and angry as a consequence. For some people, the denial of opportunity to help the other will cause an emotional tailspin where they call into question their entire sense of worth in the world. However, once this first piece is acknowledged, you need to look at how this impacts on the person who is struggling. Are you asking them, as a person who is struggling, to have the response to your offers of assistance that would most vitally help you, rather than help them? If you have an option for helping, which the person struggling cannot commit to at this point, are they helped by your anger, your sense of rejection, your hurt at how they have treated you? Or does your reaction represent, at least in part, your creation of emotional distance between you and this person, in order to distance yourself from the pain and trauma that they are experiencing?

Next, you need to acknowledge that your manner of dealing with a struggle (though it may seem like the most socially-acceptable manner of dealing with this particular struggle… grief counselling, for example, or addiction support programmes) is not the only manner in which to deal with what this person is going with. There are other pieces that you may not be aware of at play (previous trauma, for example, or socio-economic constraints).

The thing about free will is that each of us is free to make the choices that we want to make, particularly when it comes to helping ourselves. Once we approach someone that is struggling with generous love and a non-judgemental stance, all we can do is present options. The other person, painful though it may be, is free to reject our offers of help for as long as they feel that this is the right thing to do. Within this space, the only option open to each of us is to deal with our own sense of hurt, rejection and anger that arises as a consequence.

By Lorraine Hackett

Bianca Paltinean Psychotherapist Location: Online

Approach: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) , Gestalt Therapy , Humanistic & Integrative Psychotherapy , Person-Centred Therapy , Psychodynamic Therapy , Solution-Focused Brief Therapy , Other , Mindfulness , Somatic Experiencing

Works with: Individual Session

Specialities: Trauma , Bereavement / Loss , Co-Dependency , Depression , Panic , Relationship issues , Self Care , Self-Esteem , Anxiety , Stress

Next avaialble appointment: 11:00 25 October 2022

Hi Mclarke

Your stress and despair come through clearly in your words and I truly feel for you.

The physical well being of your family is your #1 priority. If your stepdaughter has been physically abusive, I suggest you call the police if the need arises in the future. Do not feel guilty about doing this. She must learn that there are consequences to her behaviour and this living situation has become incredibly serious for all concerned. It may pay to keep a journal of her behaviour in case you need it for future reference, such as with a mental well being team or the police. Of course, doing such a thing will possibly trigger her so I would keep this private.

Like Betternow, I am wondering about her father's part in this. He may need to face looking into involuntary treatment for his daughter. It may be the only way to raise her our of this behaviour. He may need to face the real possibility that she will not be able to achieve this kind of reformation any other way. If he refuses to face what may need to be done and you feel your life is in danger, personally I would leave.

Would be interesting to know whether your stepdaughter has always been enabled when it comes to her self serving behaviour, even as a young kid. I would be even more concerned if the behaviour came on suddenly at some point in her life. This may indicate she has faced some great trauma people around her are not aware of. If the latter is the case, I imagine she is suffering deeply and angrily in some way and really needs help.

You have some hard decisions to make and, again, I truly feel for you. I can't even begin to imagine the stress you're under. You should not be having to walk on eggshells every moment of every day. This is no way to live.

It sounds like you have done all you can, short of involuntary help. She is lucky to have you looking out for her. For her own sake and yours, trust your instincts and take action to get help as soon as possible.

Look after yourself

I spent most of my younger life walking around on edge and angry, waiting for the next threat so I could confront it. The truth of this matter is that I handled any small threat as a flight or fight situation, and that was wrong of me.

Recalling how I hurt myself and others makes me want to help others get out of their own way of being happy. I want to help others do something that I failed to do for so long.

While speaking to her, I became ashamed and realized that even during my late 20’s, when I thought of myself as a fighter and survivor, I was still reacting as a victim.

It was hard for me to be completely honest with myself because I constantly felt as if others would look down upon me, judge, or not understand. I had to let go and take responsibility for my own actions. I had to accept that my actions, as an adult, cannot be blamed on my past or lack of childhood. I had to stop living in the past. So, I explained this to her.

We are unable to help someone who does not want help, but we can love them thru their teachings. I explained to her that encouragement, positive actions, and words are still a sign of supporting them.

The difference between can’t and won’t.
If a person can’t, that should mean that they are literally unable, and this person should be open to accepting help. If a person won’t, that means that YOU can’t help them.

Being someone’s crutch for too long.
When we make the decision to help another person, we tend to give them a crutch when we meant to give them a helping hand. Depending on a crutch for too long can weaken a person. Think about this. If you did not use your legs for a long period of time, it would be very difficult to stand alone, let alone walk by yourself. It is human nature for us to use the crutch if it is there.

During this conversation, I explained that I wasn’t even aware that I needed to or could change. I encouraged her to ask open-ended questions. Let this person lead him or herself down their own path of changing.

The difference between a cry for help and a cry of habit.

Not everyone who cries actually is asking for help. Some people are unable to live without drama and a habit of poor me. Some people prefer to roll in their sorrow and cry habit than actually change. To put this bluntly, they need an audience to continue their misery. Sometimes helping someone means leaving them alone.

As I ended this conversation, I reminded her that no matter how good her intentions may be, do not be co-dependent. What do I mean by that? Codependency can be very toxic. As much as you love this person, you have to make the decision not to take responsibility for their actions. Sometimes to help another person, you must let them fall down over and over, and let them face they’re own consequences. For a family member, this can be a hard action to stomach because you don’t want your family member struggling. But you have to face it.
Comfort them. Support them. Love them. But remember it takes failure to grow.

As a family or friend, at times, you may feel powerless. YOU’RE NOT. The journey to recovery and wellness is not an easy journey. For anyone who has ever been on either side of this hand, you understand that it is easier said than done.

So, here’s a few things to keep in mind as you are lending a helping hand to someone you care about.

Remember the journey to happiness is not your journey.