What to do when you fall out of love

The sun was sinking behind the hills of Gozo, a tiny island off of Malta. Pink climbing flowers clung to dusty stone walls. The air was salty and tinged with blossom.

It should have been magical, but I was in hell.

I looked at my partner, who was squinting through his glasses into the sunset; at that moment, I was repelled by everything about him. He wasn’t ‘manly’ enough; his hair was fluffy like a baby owl; he was too quiet, too reserved. The list went on.

“You’re looking at me strangely. Is everything okay?” my partner said.

A stray cat slunk in front of us and into the half-light of an alley.

“What? No,” I lied, “everything is fine.”

But everything isn’t fine when you’ve spent weeks pretending to be in love when you’re not, with someone you’ve become mysteriously repulsed by. Everything isn’t fine when you’re torn about whether to stay or leave.

This carried on until I crumpled under the weight of my own indecision. Even though just months earlier we’d been talking about marriage and I’d been blissful, I called everything off.

This is the part of the story where most people say how free they felt. How they subsequently discovered themselves. How the experience taught them to always listen to their gut.

That wasn’t my experience: I was devastated.

I missed my ex terribly: not just the relationship but all those quirks I’d thought I was repulsed by at the end. But even if I’d have felt relief, I’m not sure it would’ve lasted, and I’m not sure it would’ve been for the right reasons.

When you’re tired of your previously happy relationship, you’re usually tired of yourself.

With the wisdom I have now, it’s obvious there were a few key elements that meant any relationship I was in would’ve faltered.

When my partner and I first met, I was high on life. When we split, I’d lost my way. I was working long hours for peanuts. I’d stopped exercising. I’d let my creative practices slide.

You need to learn how to make yourself feel alive, and past the infatuation stage, no partner can do that for you. If you’re unaware of this reality, it’s easy to believe it’s your partner’s fault or that you’re in the wrong relationship when actually, you need to work on yourself.

I also hadn’t learned how to deal with stillness, the naturally mundane moments in life. I was afraid of being alone with my thoughts; I didn’t allow myself space to process difficult feelings. As a result, once my relationship grew truly peaceful and secure, I panicked.

10 steps to slowly turn the ship around

Natalie Kennedy, The Anxious Love Coach, believes you don’t have to be single to find yourself. She promotes normalising falling in and out of love and exploring how the dynamics and mindsets we bring to our partnerships affects their happiness and longevity.

In other words: falling out of love is an invitation to go deeper into yourself and find what’s missing from your life, not necessarily to leave your wonderful partner. It’s not about finding the perfect person but about building the perfect relationship for you.

In her podcast ‘So You fell out of love?’, Kennedy outlines 10 steps to take if this is what you’re experiencing in your otherwise healthy, stable relationship.

1. Know falling out of love is normal in any long-term relationship.

If only I’d realised this sooner, I’d have saved myself oceans of heartbreak.

Falling in and out of love with a long-term partner is the rule, not the exception, as many prominent relationship therapists, like Ester Perel and Sheryl Paul, have explored in their work. (Specifically see here and here.)

It’s rare, not to mention wildly impractical, to remain infatuated for decades at a time.

2. Ask yourself if you’re out of love with your life in general.

How are you feeling really? Are you satisfied with your social life? How is your physical health? Do you get to be creative? Does your work give you a sense of purpose? How much joy are you allowing yourself every day?

The answers can provide clues about whether the relationship is the problem or there’s something deeper at play.

3. Understand that your desire to run is actually an invitation to turn inward.

I once tried to use travel to heal my heartbreak: it didn’t work. We take our internal struggles with us wherever we go.

If you leave a healthy, normally happy relationship because you’re “not feeling it”, chances are you’ll simply repeat this pattern of bailing when you fall out of love later, just with someone new.

You need to turn inward to unravel more, which takes me to my next point.

4. Explore your unconscious mind further.

What lies beneath your surface-level dissatisfaction?

For me, it was a deep sense of insecurity and not-enoughness I’d had since childhood. It was an over-reliance on other people’s opinions and feelings and a lack of trust in myself.

For you, it’s likely different, but you need to spend time with yourself to know. Journal. Meditate. Hire a therapist. Whatever helps you understand yourself better.

5. Discover what new part of you is trying to surface.

When we fall out of love with our lives, it’s often because we’re ready for change. But the transformation won’t happen unless we consciously decide who we want to become.

It wasn’t enough for me to work out what was holding me back, I also needed to understand how I wanted to go forward. I needed to develop a backbone. To learn how to stand up for myself and my values.

Who do you want to become?

6. Express the emotions coming up.

Dance. Cry. Make guttural noises into your pillow; should out loud.

As Kennedy points out on her podcast, when we go inward to see what might be impacting our relationships, emotions surface that can’t be rationalised by thinking alone; these feelings need to be deeply felt and expressed.

7. Have adventures alone.

Here’s something I don’t think many coupled people realise: you can tap into single-person energy. I’m not talking about cheating or doing anything to jeopardise your wonderful relationship; I am saying, get out there and flirt with life. Allow yourself to feel single because you are, after all, your own person whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Go on that writer’s retreat. Travel to that sun-dappled island. Even just take yourself for coffee from time to time. These acts of independence and playfulness make us feel alive and free, and we can come back to our relationships with the spark we’ve been missing.

8. Keep showing up in your relationship anyway.

Let’s twist the kaleidoscope. How would you like your partner to show up in your long-term relationship when they inevitably experience boredom or frustration at times? Would you want them to be cold and distant or to keep choosing kindness and love?

It was wild to me what happened when I started acting lovingly to my partner even when I’m not feeling in love. Everything changed. It created stability and trust, and over time, it grew our bond. The truth is, when we act more invested, we feel more invested. It’s a golden circle.

9. Move.

This sounds like it shouldn't be linked to relationship satisfaction but I’ve found it is. Movement isn’t only good for us physically, it helps us feel more connected with the world and more alive, which creates a ripple effect in our partnerships.

For me, exercise is like my regular writing practise: I don’t always feel like doing it but I’m always glad I did.

10. Refocus your attention on what is going well in your relationship.

All of the steps above are inner work, but it helps to reframe our mindset about our relationship too. Kennedy suggests practising thanking our partners for the small kind things they do every day.

For example, I might thank my partner for putting a glass of water by my bed at night, for reminding me to take my vitamins or for checking I’m okay when I seem anxious.

This tiny shift will make you feel more grateful, and in turn, it will foster a culture where you’re both excited to do things for one another.

If you’ve fallen out of love with your partner, leaving isn’t necessarily the wrong decision but it is only one possible path. You have a choice, and choosing to stay and look inward can have a profound effect not only on your relationship but your whole life.

The goal is not to be perpetually in love: the goal is to evolve through many transitions together and come out stronger. As Kennedy says, you don’t have to be single to find yourself.