It’s really tough to spot emotional manipulation when it’s happening to you, because, well, you’re being manipulated. But if you happen to be on the outside looking in, the signs and symptoms of manipulation in relationships are often much easier to see. Show
Take the most recent episode of The Bachelorette, for instance. The highlight of the show was Katie Thurston’s argument with contestant Greg Grippo during their hometown date. He opened up about family, his father’s death, and how much he loves Katie. Greg admitted it was his first time sharing so much with a partner and asked her to take the opportunity to fully commit to him. When Katie hesitated, Greg got frustrated. Later on, the two had a conversation where Greg said Katie “fills a hole in his heart.” He continued to pressure her for a response, claimed she wasn’t listening, pointed out their “disconnect,” and — while Katie sat there crying — decided to break things off. Was this a classic case of emotional manipulation? (Half of Twitter thinks so.) Or was Greg’s reaction simply miscommunication? Whatever side you fall on, The Bachelorette has started an important conversation about relationship manipulation. According to sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey, “Emotional manipulation is trying to get a partner to behave in the way you want them to by making them feel badly about their authentic thoughts, feelings, and actions.” It often involves things like gaslighting, threats, and dramatic displays, all of which can damage your relationship — and well-being. Here, 13 other signs of emotional manipulation to watch out for, according to experts. 1. Your Partner Crosses BoundariesIf you set a boundary, be wary of anyone who tries to cross it. According to Carey, when you tell a partner what you are or are not OK with, it’s up to them to either say “Cool, I can live with this” or “That’s something I can’t live with, I’ll leave.” You may be able to meet halfway on certain subjects, but it should never feel like you’re being threatened or pressured into doing so. 2. They Won’t Take No For An AnswerTake note if anyone ever says they love you but then gets upset when you don’t say it back. “A declaration of love is never a requirement for the other person to respond in kind,” Carey says. “I liken telling someone you love them to giving them a gift. Hopefully, you are giving it from a place of overflow without expecting anything in return. The expectation of a similar gift in return is commerce, and requiring it for the relationship to continue is manipulation.” ICF-certified life coach Katie Utterback, CLC, agrees. “Manipulators don't want you to be able to weigh all the pros and cons,” she tells Bustle. “They don't want you to think things through. They want those quick, heat-of-the-moment decisions, because that's one way they gauge how much control they have over you.” 3. They Make Dramatic StatementsAnother red flag? A manipulative person will often use dramatic statements like “I thought you of all people would understand” or “You’re the only person I’ve ever loved.” If they attempt to wheedle, cry, or shame you into changing your mind, Carey says that’s a sign of emotional manipulation. 4. They “Cry” On KeyJacqueline Vd Berg / EyeEm/EyeEm/Getty Images The crying is a big one. According to Utterback, tears might flow during a tough conversation, but take note if your partner seems to be pushing them out. “Real tears produce snot, too,” she says. “Emotionally manipulative persons have crocodile tears and they can make their voice sound shaky, but it's all an act to get you to do what they want.” 5. They Maintain Home Court AdvantageManipulation is all about control, and one of the tactics used to gain control is to take a person out of their element. Think about where you live, where you hang out, whose friends you visit, and where you go on dates. Are they all your partner's favorite spots? Does it seem like you live in your partner's life, but they don't live in yours? It’s much easier to control someone when they aren’t in comfortable surroundings. 6. They Want You To Prove Your LoveKeep an eye out for partners who are constantly testing your love, possibly by starting sentences with “If you really loved me.” It could be anything from, “If you loved me you’d do the dishes” to “If you loved me, you’d have sex with me right now.” This tactic uses guilt and emotion to prod or shame you into doing something you don’t want to, or shouldn’t have to do. It's a form of manipulation no matter how innocent it sounds. 7. They Expect You To React A Certain WayConsider how Greg hoped Katie would help carry the burden of his childhood trauma. According to therapist Katie Ziskind, LMFT, it’s unfair to ask a new partner to be emotionally nurturing. It’s also unfair to expect anyone — long-term partner or not — to play the role of therapist. “You want to make sure that you will be emotionally nurtured, you need to work with a professional therapist, that you hire to listen to you and respond in a compassionate, nurturing way,” she says. “Greg is trying to get support from the wrong person who is not ready for commitment.” 8. They Use Emotional BlackmailEmotional blackmail is ugly. “A partner will try to make you feel fear, obligation, or guilt for your boundaries or decisions,” Utterback says. They also might hang something over your head — like a conversation or secret you shared — as a way of scaring you into doing things their way. “All of this is a red flag.” 9. They Play The VictimLet’s paint a scenario: You and your partner get into a fight. No matter who was in the wrong, what was said, or what actually went down, your partner is just heartbroken and “can't believe you'd hurt them like that ” — even if your partner was actually the one who did something wrong. It's a way to make you feel like you're a bad, unworthy partner — and for them to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. 10. GaslightingAccording to Rachel DeAlto, the chief dating expert at Match, gaslighting is when a person attempts to twist reality so you second-guess yourself. Their goal is to make it seem as if you misunderstood or misremembered, which “allows them to get away with something that would otherwise be inappropriate,” she tells Bustle. It’s also a weird, controlling way to get you to stay in the relationship because you’ll start to think it isn’t so bad, or that their mistreatment is “all in your head.” 11. Convenient NeedinessWhen things don't go your partner's way, do they say they are sick or weak or in need of care and support? This can be actually a form of manipulation. An example: Your partner doesn't want to have a serious conversation with you so they suddenly feel faint. Since they’re “sick,” they magically get out of it. 12. They “Love Bomb”Consider it yet another red flag if it feels like your new relationship is too good to be true, which is often the case with love bombing. “Love bombing is coming on too strong too fast without the foundation of a relationship that supports it,” DeAlto says. “They are trying to make you feel like the relationship is stronger than it is.” 13. They're Always “Just Joking”This is manipulation in two parts. The first part is the one where they say hurtful things or criticize you, but it's your fault for getting upset because they were “totally just kidding.” It doesn't matter how cruel they were, it only matters that supposedly you're too sensitive and can't take a joke. The second part involves making jokes about you in public and in front of others. If you respond negatively in front of others, you're “making a scene” or “ruining the fun.” This is a way to get for a manipulative person to get digs in and grind you down without having to take accountability. If you aren’t sure but feel as if you’re being manipulated, you probably are. “Trust your gut,” Utterback says. “If something feels off, [...] do what feels right for you.” The more you recognize manipulative behaviors, the more you'll be able to shut them down. If you're dealing with a serious manipulator, though, you may want to begin looking for a way to end the relationship. Sources: Leah Carey sex and intimacy coach Katie Ziskind, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel DeAlto, chief dating expert at Match Katie Utterback, CLC, life coach This article was originally published on May 24, 2016 Emotional manipulators often use mind games to seize power in a relationship. The ultimate goal is to use that power to control the other person. A healthy relationship is based on trust, understanding, and mutual respect. This is true of personal relationships, as well as professional ones. Sometimes, people seek to exploit these elements of a relationship in order to benefit themselves in some way. The signs of emotional manipulation can be subtle. They’re often hard to identify, especially when they’re happening to you.
You can learn to recognize the manipulation and stop it. You can also learn to protect your self-esteem and sanity, too. We’ll review common forms of emotional manipulation, how to recognize them, and what you can do next. Being in your home turf, whether it’s your actual home or just a favorite coffee shop, can be empowering. If the other individuals always insists on meeting in their realm, they may be trying to create an imbalance of power. They claim ownership of that space, which leaves you at a disadvantage. For example:
Emotional manipulators may skip a few steps in the traditional get-to-know-you phase. They “share” their darkest secrets and vulnerabilities. What they’re really doing, however, is trying to make you feel special so that you divulge your secrets. They can use these sensitivities against you later. For example:
This is a popular tactic with some business relationships, but it can happen in personal ones, too. When one person wants to establish control, they may ask probing questions so that you share your thoughts and concerns early. With their hidden agenda in mind, they can then use your answers to manipulate your decisions. For example:
Emotional manipulators are masters at altering reality with lies, fibs, or misstatements in order to confuse you. They may exaggerate events to make themselves seem more vulnerable. They may also understate their role in a conflict in order to gain your sympathy. For example:
If someone overwhelms you with statistics, jargon, or facts when you ask a question, you may be experiencing a type of emotional manipulation. Some manipulators presume to be the expert, and they impose their “knowledge” on you. This is particularly common in financial or sales situations. For example:
Also, in the business setting, emotional manipulators may try to weigh you down with paperwork, red tape, procedures, or anything that can get in your way. This is a particular possibility if you express scrutiny or ask questions that draw their flaws or weaknesses into question. For example:
If you ask questions or make a suggestion, an emotional manipulator will likely respond in an aggressive manner or try to draw you into an argument. This strategy allows them to control your choices and influence your decisions. They may also use the situation to make you feel guilty for expressing your concerns in the first place. For example:
If you have a bad day, an emotional manipulator may take the opportunity to bring up their own issues. The goal is to invalidate what you’re experiencing so that you’re forced to focus on them and exert your emotional energy on their problems. For example:
Someone who manipulates people’s emotions may eagerly agree to help with something but then turn around and drag their feet or look for ways to avoid their agreement. They may act like it’s ended up being a huge burden, and they’ll seek to exploit your emotions in order to get out of it. For example:
Critical remarks may be disguised as humor or sarcasm. They may pretend they’re saying something in jest, when what they’re really trying to do is plant a seed of doubt. For example:
Emotional manipulators will never accept responsibility for their errors. They will, however, try to find a way to make you feel guilty for everything. from a fight to a failed project. You may end up apologizing, even if they’re the one at fault. For example:
When you’re elated, they find a reason to take the spotlight away from you. This can also happen in the negative sense. When you’ve had a tragedy or setback, an emotional manipulator may try to make their problems seem worse or more pressing. For example:
Emotional manipulators may dismiss or degrade you without the pretense of jest or sarcasm. Their comments are designed to chip away at your self-esteem. They’re meant to ridicule and marginalize you. Often, the manipulator is projecting their own insecurities. For example:
When they know your weak spots, they can use them to wound you. They may make comments and take actions that are meant to leave you feeling vulnerable and upset. For example:
If you’re upset, someone who is manipulating you may try to make you feel guilty for your feelings. They may accuse you of being unreasonable or not being adequately invested. For example:
During a disagreement or fight, a manipulative person will make dramatic statements that are meant to put you in a difficult spot. They’ll target emotional weaknesses with inflammatory statements in order to elicit an apology. For example:
A passive-aggressive person may sidestep confrontation. They use people around you, such as friends, to communicate with you instead. They may also talk behind your back to co-workers. For example:
They don’t respond to your calls, emails, direct messages, or any other form of communication. They use the silence to gain control and make you feel responsible for their behavior. This technique is meant to make you question your memory of events. When you no longer feel certain about what happened, they can pinpoint the problem on you, making you feel responsible for the misunderstanding. For example:
Manipulative individuals often have a reaction opposite of the person they’re manipulating. This is especially true in emotionally charged situations. That’s so they can use your reaction as a way to make you feel too sensitive. You then gauge your reaction based on theirs, and decide you were out of line. For example:
Gaslighting is a manipulative method with which people try to make you believe that you can no longer trust your own instincts or experience. They make you believe things that did happen are a figment of your imagination. You lose a sense of reality. For example:
It may take time to realize someone is emotionally manipulating you. The signs are subtle, and they often evolve over time. But if you think you’re being treated in this way, trust your instincts. Apologize for your part, then move on. You likely won’t get an apology, but you don’t have to dwell on it either. Own up to what you know you did as a matter of fact, and then say nothing of the other accusations. Don’t try to beat them. Two people shouldn’t play this game. Instead, learn to recognize the strategies so you can properly prepare your responses. Set boundaries. When a manipulative person realizes they’re losing control, their tactics may grow more desperate. This is the time for you to make some difficult decisions. If you don’t have to be near that person, consider cutting them out of your life entirely. If you live with them or work together closely, you’ll need to learn techniques for managing them. You may find it helpful to speak to a therapist or counselor about how to handle the situation. You could also recruit a trusted friend or family member to help you identify the behavior and enforce boundaries. No one deserves to have another individual treat them in this manner. Emotional manipulation may not leave physical scars, but it can still have a long-lasting effect. You can heal from this, and you can grow from it, too. A therapist or counselor can help you recognize patterns that are dangerous. They can then help you learn ways to confront the behavior and hopefully stop it. If you’re in the United States, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. This 24/7 confidential hotline connects you with trained advocates who can provide resources and tools to help get you to safety. |