During those first few weeks of a new romance, we constantly crave the state of ecstasy we reach when our crush is near, yet we can dive into deep despair if we feel as though our feelings aren’t reciprocated. American anthropologist Helen Fisher likened the experience to “someone camping out in your head;” nothing can distract you from the feeling of longing to hold them close. Show
A rush of euphoria hits hard when we fall in love, and is stimulated by a release of the feel-good chemicals dopamine and norepinephrine into the same part of the brain that’s associated with wanting, motivation, focus and craving. We call it falling in love, but isn’t this initial rush just lust? If so, then what is love? We use the single word "love" to describe our relationships in very different contexts. From the love we have for our parents and siblings to our affection for our closest friends. We tell our partners “I love you” and then sign an email with “love from.” How can one word define so many different feelings? Ancient Greek society recognized that there are many kinds of love. There are eight Greek words for love, in fact, and defining each allows us to fully interpret the context of the love we feel for others. Greek words for love and what they mean1. Eros: Sexual passionThe first kind of love the Greek’s defined was eros, named after the Greek god of carnal love and fertility. It represents sexual passion and desire and is the root of the word erotic. Today we associate this feeling with falling in love, as something exhilarating and exciting, but this wasn’t so for the ancient Greeks. For them, eros was a terrifying state of being, a kind of madness or theia mania (madness from the gods) that overwhelmed them with lust and longing. Perhaps this is where we get the phrase “falling madly in love?" 2. Philia: Deep friendshipThe second kind of love was philia, an affectionate love or deep friendship. In ancient Greek society, this was valued far greater than eros as it was considered love of equal terms—and one without the trappings of sexual attraction. Born from an appreciation of one another, philia is a kind of love that endures within long-standing friendships and is present between parents and their children. It represents the loyalty and sacrifices made for those we care about and the sense of comradery we feel toward those we take into our trust. The Greek philosopher Plato believed that carnal attraction detracted from the true path to philia, and that physical attraction was not a necessary part of love. Hence, we use the word platonic to refer to the affection felt between friends. Related: 100 Interesting Questions to Ask Your Friends to Grow Even Closer 3. Ludus: Playful loveWhile the thought of eros sent the ancient Greeks into a frenzied hysteria, ludus was rooted in fun and came entirely without a sense of obligation. Ludus could mean the playful love between children, but it was more often termed as the flirtation between casual lovers—it represents the excitement of the early stages of a relationship. When you sit at a bar drinking cocktails with friends, flirt with a stranger, or engage in a holiday fling your carefree attitude is fueled by feelings of ludus. Of all the Greek words for love, this one is most associated with embracing the moment. Playfulness is often lost in the later stages of romantic relationships yet it’s an essential ingredient that keeps the innocence of true love alive. 4. Agape: Love for everyoneAs an empathetic love that is extended to everyone—family, friends and strangers alike—agape is a selfless love that, today, is seldom offered as frequently as it should. Translated into Latin as caritas and forming the root of the word charity, agape is a pay-it-forward approach to love, where you show a universal kindness to others and offer to understand to those in need. C.S. Lewis referred to it as “gift love,” the highest form of Christian love. Related: 125 Ways to Show Moral Support to the People You Care About 5. Pragma: Long-standing loveAlthough there is little evidence to suggest that the ancient Greeks frequently used pragma to define love, it came into popularity in the 20th century to describe healthy, long-term relationships. A deep connection between two friends or lovers, pragma is a mature and realistic love that stems from the deep understanding and unique harmony of fated souls. It’s about showing patience, tolerance and compromise to foster a deep connection with the people you care about the most. Pragma doesn’t burst into existence like eros or ludus, it burns slowly, intensifying over time and can only endure if both sides continually work to keep it alight. 6. Philautia: Love of the selfAristotle wrote, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.” He was not alone in those sentiments. The ancient Greeks classed philautia as one of the most important kinds of love because they recognized that you cannot share what you do not have. Without love for yourself, you cannot begin to extend feelings of love, in any form, to anyone else. Unlike the thought motivators of vanity and self-obsession that are unhealthy applications of philautia, self-love—feeling comfortable in your own skin and allowing your self-confidence to grow because of your experiences—affirms self-compassion. Related: What Is Self-Care? And Enjoyable Ideas for Weaving It Into Your Life 7. Storge: Familial loveStorge is the primal, protective love we all feel for members of our family and for those friends for whom we also feel philia love. This kind of love is rooted in kinship and allegiance. It’s the unspoken bond between two people that transcends both friendship and sexual attraction because it is driven by familiarity, belonging and dependency. Storge may appear as one-way love, such as when a mother loves her newborn child unconditionally despite the child being unaware of its emotions, or when a child loves their sibling even though they do not get along. 8. Mania: Obsessive loveAs its name suggests, feelings of mania evoke madness. This version of Greek love usually stems from uncontrollable eros and a lack of healthy philautia. Mania violently attacks its subjects from within and pushes them toward stalking behaviors and codependency; it can also incite extreme jealousy. This kind of love isn’t to be encouraged and if you or someone you love begins to exhibit symptoms of mania it’s best to get help and rebalance. The ancient Greeks’ interpretation of our inner psyche offers insight into the many facets of the love we feel for others and could help us to recognize that we have a lot more love in our lives than we had previously acknowledged. Looking for ways to say “I love you” to your special someone? Check out these romantic love quotes.
Looking for an antidote to modern culture's emphasis on romantic love? Perhaps we can learn from the diverse forms of emotional attachment prized by the ancient Greeks. Today’s coffee culture has an incredibly sophisticated vocabulary. Do you want a cappuccino, an espresso, a skinny latte, or maybe an iced caramel macchiato?
The ancient Greeks were just as sophisticated in the way they talked about love, recognizing six different varieties. They would have been shocked by our crudeness in using a single word both to whisper “I love you” over a candlelit meal and to casually sign an email “lots of love.” So what were the six loves known to the Greeks? And how can they inspire us to move beyond our current addiction to romantic love, which has 94 percent of young people hoping—but often failing—to find a unique soul mate who can satisfy all their emotional needs? 1. Eros, or sexual passionThe first kind of love was eros, named after the Greek god of fertility, and it represented the idea of sexual passion and desire. But the Greeks didn’t always think of it as something positive, as we tend to do today. In fact, eros was viewed as a dangerous, fiery, and irrational form of love that could take hold of you and possess you—an attitude shared by many later spiritual thinkers, such as the Christian writer C. S. Lewis. Eros involved a loss of control that frightened the Greeks. Which is odd, because losing control is precisely what many people now seek in a relationship. Don’t we all hope to fall “madly” in love? 2. Philia, or deep friendshipThe second variety of love was philia or friendship, which the Greeks valued far more than the base sexuality of eros. Philia concerned the deep comradely friendship that developed between brothers in arms who had fought side by side on the battlefield. It was about showing loyalty to your friends, sacrificing for them, as well as sharing your emotions with them. (Another kind of philia, sometimes called storge, embodied the love between parents and their children.) We can all ask ourselves how much of this comradely philia we have in our lives. It’s an important question in an age when we attempt to amass “friends” on Facebook or “followers” on Twitter—achievements that would have hardly impressed the Greeks. Like what you’re reading? We’re nonprofit and ad-free—we depend on readers like you. Subscribe or donate today to keep YES! going strong. 3. Ludus, or playful loveWhile philia could be a matter of great seriousness, there was a third type of love valued by the ancient Greeks, which was playful love. Following the Roman poet Ovid, scholars (such as the philosopher A. C. Grayling) commonly use the Latin word ludus to describe this form of love, which concerns the playful affection between children or casual lovers. We’ve all had a taste of it in the flirting and teasing in the early stages of a relationship. But we also live out our ludus when we sit around in a bar bantering and laughing with friends, or when we go out dancing. Dancing with strangers may be the ultimate ludic activity, almost a playful substitute for sex itself. Social norms may frown on this kind of adult frivolity, but a little more ludus might be just what we need to spice up our love lives. 4. Agape, or love for everyoneThe fourth love, and perhaps the most radical, was agape or selfless love. This was a love that you extended to all people, whether family members or distant strangers. Agape was later translated into Latin as caritas, which is the origin of our word “charity.” C.S. Lewis referred to it as “gift love,” the highest form of Christian love. But it also appears in other religious traditions, such as the idea of mettā or “universal loving kindness” in Theravāda Buddhism. There is growing evidence that agape is in a dangerous decline in many countries. Empathy levels in the U.S. have declined sharply over the past 40 years, with the steepest fall occurring in the past decade. We urgently need to revive our capacity to care about strangers. 5. Pragma, or longstanding loveThe use of the ancient Greek root pragma as a form of love was popularized by the Canadian sociologist John Allen Lee in the 1970s, who described it as a mature, realistic love that is commonly found amongst long-established couples. Pragma is about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance. There is in fact little evidence that the Greeks commonly used this precise term themselves, so it is best thought of as a modern update on the ancient Greek loves. The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we expend too much energy on “falling in love” and need to learn more how to “stand in love.” Pragma is precisely about standing in love—making an effort to give love rather than just receive it. With about a third of first marriages in the U.S. ending through divorce or separation in the first 10 years, we should surely think about bringing a serious dose of pragma into our relationships. 6. Philautia, or love of the selfThe Greek’s sixth variety of love was philautia or self-love. And clever Greeks such as Aristotle realized there were two types. One was an unhealthy variety associated with narcissism, where you became self-obsessed and focused on personal fame and fortune. A healthier version enhanced your wider capacity to love. The idea was that if you like yourself and feel secure in yourself, you will have plenty of love to give others (as is reflected in the Buddhist-inspired concept of “self-compassion”). Or, as Aristotle put it, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.” The ancient Greeks found diverse kinds of love in relationships with a wide range of people—friends, family, spouses, strangers, and even themselves. This contrasts with our typical focus on a single romantic relationship, where we hope to find all the different loves wrapped into a single person or soul mate. The message from the Greeks is to nurture the varieties of love and tap into its many sources. Don’t just seek eros, but cultivate philia by spending more time with old friends, or develop ludus by dancing the night away. Moreover, we should abandon our obsession with perfection. Don’t expect your partner to offer you all the varieties of love, all of the time (with the danger that you may toss aside a partner who fails to live up to your desires). Recognize that a relationship may begin with plenty of eros and ludus, then evolve toward embodying more pragma or agape. The diverse Greek system of loves can also provide consolation. By mapping out the extent to which all six loves are present in your life, you might discover you’ve got a lot more love than you had ever imagined—even if you feel an absence of a physical lover. It’s time we introduced the six varieties of Greek love into our everyday way of speaking and thinking. If the art of coffee deserves its own sophisticated vocabulary, then why not the art of love? This article originally appeared in Sojourners. It has been edited for YES! Magazine. For a more detailed discussion of the six loves, including a full list of scholarly references, please see Roman Krznaric’s book How Should We Live? Great Ideas from the Past for Everyday Life.
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