We all have times when we lack confidence and do not feel good about ourselves. But when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can have a harmful effect on our mental health and our day-to-day lives. Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves. When we have healthy self-esteem, we tend to feel positive about ourselves and about life in general. It makes us better able to deal with life's ups and downs. When our self-esteem is low, we tend to see ourselves and our life in a more negative and critical light. We also feel less able to take on the challenges that life throws at us. Low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Our teachers, friends, siblings, parents, and even the media send us positive and negative messages about ourselves. For some reason, the message that you are not good enough is the one that stays with you. Perhaps you found it difficult to live up to other people's expectations of you, or to your own expectations. Stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or a bereavement, can have a negative effect on self-esteem. Personality can also play a part. Some people are just more prone to negative thinking, while others set impossibly high standards for themselves. If you have low self-esteem or confidence, you may hide yourself away from social situations, stop trying new things, and avoid things you find challenging. In the short term, avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make you feel safe. In the longer term, this can backfire because it reinforces your underlying doubts and fears. It teaches you the unhelpful rule that the only way to cope is by avoiding things. Living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety. You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as smoking and drinking too much, as a way of coping. To boost your self-esteem, you need to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself, then challenge them. You may tell yourself you're "too stupid" to apply for a new job, for example, or that "nobody cares" about you. Start to note these negative thoughts and write them on a piece of paper or in a diary. Ask yourself when you first started to think these thoughts. Next, start to write some evidence that challenges these negative beliefs, such as, "I'm really good at cryptic crosswords" or "My sister calls for a chat every week". Write down other positive things about yourself, such as "I'm thoughtful" or "I'm a great cook" or "I'm someone that others trust". Also write some good things that other people say about you. Aim to have at least 5 positive things on your list and add to it regularly. Then put your list somewhere you can see it. That way, you can keep reminding yourself that you're OK. You might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up, but we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age. Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself. Recognise what you're good atWe're all good at something, whether it's cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we're good at, which can help boost your mood. Build positive relationshipsIf you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions. Try to build relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you. Be kind to yourselfBeing kind to yourself means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical. Think what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves. Learn to be assertiveBeing assertive is about respecting other people's opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them. One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do. It's not about pretending you're someone you're not. It's picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out. Start saying "no"People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to. The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed. For the most part, saying no does not upset relationships. It can be helpful to keep saying no, but in different ways, until they get the message. Give yourself a challengeWe all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. But people with healthy self-esteem do not let these feelings stop them trying new things or taking on challenges. Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem. Psychological therapies like counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help. You can refer yourself for psychological therapies on the NHS. If you prefer, you can talk to a GP first and they can refer you. You could also find a private therapist. Make sure they're registered with a professional body.
In this audio guide, a doctor helps you to replace negative thoughts with more positive thinking. Visit healthtalk.org to hear young people talking about their experiences of low self-esteem.
Animated video explaining self-referral to psychological therapies services for stress, anxiety or depression.  Self-esteem is a wonderful but delicate thing. When our self-esteem is high, we feel more resilient, we're less vulnerable to anxiety and rejection, and less cortisol, or the stress hormone, is released into our bloodstream. The positives are obvious, but actually improving our self-esteem can be challenging, especially if we've experienced setbacks in the past. In a blog post on TED, psychologist Guy Winch -- who has 20 years experience working with patients -- explains that the problem is our self-esteem is rather unstable anyway, as it can fluctuate daily, even hourly. Another complication is how our careers shape our own worth. For example, a chef will more likely be offended if you don't like the meal they cooked for you than someone who doesn't cook for a living. Winch says this is because cooking is a significant aspect of their identity. He outlined five ways to help improve your self-esteem, and how to better deal with the blows we experience nearly every day. He says instead of shrugging off compliments as lies, you should set yourself the goal of tolerating compliments when you receive them. Even if you feel uncomfortable -- and you probably will -- it'll be worth it in the long run. The best way to stop yourself batting compliments away, he says, is to prepare set responses to certain things, and force yourself to use them until it's automatic. These responses could be simply things like "thank you" or "how kind of you to say." The impulse to laugh off compliments will eventually fade, which will be a sign it's working and you're starting to believe the nice things people say about you. Don't kick yourself when you're already down. Unfortunately, Winch says this is what we're likely to do. When our self-esteem is low, we tend to damage it even further by being self-critical. Winch says we should combat this with self-compassion. When you feel your inner self starting to criticize, ask yourself whether you'd say these things to a close friend. Probably not, right? As a rule, we tend to be much more compassionate to friends than we are to ourselves, so think twice next time you start telling yourself all the things you do wrong. Winch says doing this will help avoid damaging your self-esteem further, allowing you time to focus on building yourself up instead. If your confidence sustains a blow, Winch says this is the best way to revive it. If you get rejected by someone you've been dating, make a list of qualities you have that make you a great partner, such as being loyal or emotionally available. If you didn't get the promotion you were after at work, jot down everything that makes you a valuable employee, such as being reliable or being dedicated. Write a brief paragraph or two about why the quality is important, and why other people would appreciate it. Winch says to do this exercise every day for a week or whenever you feel you need a pick-me-up. Building up self-esteem isn't easy, and it requires a bit of work, but Winch says the return is invaluable if you do it correctly. You'll find yourself developing healthier emotional habits, and you'll bounce back easier when you suffer knocks in the future. This post originally appeared on Business Insider. |
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