How to stop being frustrated with someone

Anger is a natural and normal human emotion that tends to make its presence known in any relationship, even if it is not addressed at the person to whom it is being expressed. Unfortunately, anger often rears its head in our interactions with those we love the most, including our romantic partners. But passion in a relationship shouldn’t mean that emotions like anger are expressed in uncontrollable ways. Managing anger and managing your response to an angry partner is a useful skill that can promote intimacy and maturity in any romantic relationship.

As a therapist, I often challenge my clients to think about how their reactivity in a relationship gets in the way of who they want to be as a partner. So often we shut down, complain to friends, or try and control our partner as a response to our anger. While these strategies may feel relieve us in the moment, they are rarely effective in the long-term. Let’s take a look at four simple strategies for managing anger and growing maturity in your relationship.

When a person is fighting with their significant others, sometimes they may feel the urge to slam a door and give them the silent treatment. Going silent can calm you down temporarily, but it is likely to increase your partner’s anxiety or anger. This doesn’t mean you have to sit down and solve a problem in the heat of the moment. Instead of quickly zooming out of the driveway or walking away, consider telling your partner that you need some time to calm down so you can organize your thinking. Let them know that it’s important to you to work out difference and consider what’s an appropriate amount of time for you to think and come back to them.

If your partner tends to give you the silent treatment when you’ve forgotten an anniversary or skipped dinner with their parents, you’ve probably experienced some anxiety not knowing what’s going to happen. You can’t make them talk to you, but you can share that you’re ready to share your thinking and work together when they’re ready. Trying to coerce or threaten them into a quick reconciliation is likely to backfire and cause them to cutoff even more.

When someone we love is angry with us, often we feel compelled to appease and soothe them as quickly as possible. But we ultimately can’t control anyone’s thoughts, behaviors, or emotions—we’re only tasked with managing our own. Being calm is much more effective than trying to calm someone else, and people who can stay focused on managing their own anxiety and reactions give the other person the space to do the same. So instead of saying, “Please calm down!”, try taking a few deep breaths and slowing your own heart rate.

Similarly, if you’re angry with your partner and want them to change a behavior, your attempt at controlling them is likely to produce a negative reaction. The goal is to share your thinking with the hope that you’ll be heard, not to shame the other person. Remember, it’s unlikely that you will be heard if your words and behaviors are lighting up the fear-response in your partner’s brain. Immaturity begets immaturity so often in relationships. It might feel critical to send a rude text to your partner while they’re at work or wake them up in the middle of the night with your grievances, but these strategies rarely accomplish more than escalating a conflict.

When you’re furious or peeved at a partner, it can feel cathartic to complain to a friend, your child, or even your therapist. When we use a third person to manage our stress about another, this is often called an emotional triangle. Wanting to vent is completely human and it is not wrong. But sometimes this “triangling” keeps us from working out the problem in the original relationship and it can leave your partner feeling isolated or even make them more defensive. So the next time you’re upset with your spouse, and you’re tempted to pick up the phone, ask yourself, “Am I asking for help or just looking for someone to agree with me?” If it’s the latter, maybe try calming yourself down before asking for someone else to do so. And while there’s nothing wrong with sharing relationship conflict with your therapist, be aware that it’s their job to be neutral and help you do your best thinking—not to agree with you that your partner is the villain of the story.

As individuals, there are certain topics which are likely to ignite an angry reaction or an anxious reaction that can lead to conflict. Often these are topics like money, politics, religion, sex, parenting, or family drama. It’s easy to assume that having different opinions can produce anger and conflict, but more often it’s our immature reactions to these topics rather than our actual opinions. So rather than getting hung up on resolving conflict as quickly as possible, shift your focus back to responding as maturely as you possibly can. This doesn’t mean you need to put up with abuse or volatility from a partner, or even than you have to stay in a relationship. Maturity simply looks like being willing to not let your emotions totally run the show. It looks like asking, “What is the best version of myself doing in this situation?” And you’re unlikely to see your best self slamming doors or screaming at people you love.

If you feel overwhelmed by the amount of anger in your romantic relationship, remind yourself that you are 50% of the equation. If you’re calmer and more mature, then your relationship will be calmer and more mature. Perhaps your partner will rise to the same level of maturity, or perhaps you’ll realize that the relationship isn’t right for you. Either way, you’re choosing not to let anger run the show. When one person can make that choice for themselves, they’re likely to find a partner who can do the same.

Notes: This article was originally published August 27, 2018 and most recently updated November 24, 2020.

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   Set short, medium and long term goals for education, training, career and home, and start on the nearest objective for one of your dearest goals. Start and/or continue on a plan now that you will follow toward self-actualizing your desires and needs, including such goals as:

   • Setting a goal for training or eduction requires action/starting. You may apply and start at a community college and transfer to a 4-year college if that will work for you plan.
   • Saving to buy a better "cash-car" can answer needs, but now and then you have to take some money from the fund for upkeep on your older car. Instead of worrying about not using all your savings for the newer vehicle, tell yourself that it will only take a month or two to catch up to your savings goal.
   • Working on goals for lifestyle-routine can buoy you from a sunken feeling, even developing new hobbies can help with long-standing frustration.[8] X Trustworthy Source American Institute of Stress Non-profit organization providing resources on stress-management in education, research, clinical care, and the workplace. Go to source If you're having trouble allowing yourself to indulge in a hobby rather than work all the time, choose something that has a pragmatic side, such as learning how to make your own bread, soap, clothing, etc. You may find inner/intangible as well as real-world benefits in learning to master one or more of them.[9] X Research source Fields, Rick. (1984). Chop Wood, Carry Water: A Guide to Finding Spiritual Fulfillment in Everyday Life Go to source

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   Gain some perspective. Coping with frustration is about finding hope to overcome hopelessness, inaction and dissatisfaction. To counteract frustration, take action to make some personal advancement. "Action" is literally using the capacity to do something, while helplessness is the feeling that you can do nothing to improve your situation. Choose something within your reach at this moment—however necessary it may seem—and do it. Merely washing your clothes, changing your outfit or cooking dinner may seem trivial in comparison to your problem, but it is not nothing, and because of the way our brains work, each success can bring hope.

   EXPERT TIP

   Rahti Gorfien, PCC

   Life Coach
   Rahti Gorfien is a Life Coach and the Founder of Creative Calling Coaching, LLC. She specializes in working with artists, entrepreneurs, and college students in creative fields. Rahti is accredited as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) by the International Coach Federation, an ACCG Accredited ADHD Coach by the ADD Coach Academy, and a Career Specialty Services Provider (CSS). In addition, she has personal experience in the fields she coaches - she is an alumnus of the New York University Graduate Acting program and has been a working theater artist for over 30 years. She was voted one of the 15 Best Life Coaches in New York City by Expertise in 2018.

   Rahti Gorfien, PCC
   Life Coach

   Learn to accept things for how they are. Until you can accept the way things are, even if they're not okay with you, you can't deal with your anger and frustration constructively. Once you come to terms with the situation and that you can't change it, you can start to manage and change your feelings.

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   Spend time with supportive people. Find friends you can talk to about your frustrations, who will listen and won't judge you. If you do not have close friends you feel comfortable doing this with, find someone who can provide good company during frustrating tasks, such as searching for jobs or using dating websites. Social time is generally beneficial to the regulation of mood. Even if a problem seems obvious, discussing it may help you discover hidden issues such as low self-esteem or specific anxieties.[10] X Research source Go to source A supportive mentor or counselor can help you talk these through.

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   Treat yourself. Frustration can build tension and anxiety, which can have deleterious effects on our mood, sleep cycle, and general body chemistry. By improving your self care--especially care of your body--you can relax and let go of the feelings that were stirred up by frustration. Simply taking a bath, going for a walk, baking a nice loaf of bread, or reading a book is better than fuming and blowing up on someone. These slow, soothing activities can help change your body chemistry from alarmed and dysregulated to calm and focused.

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   Keep a log of your accomplishments. Frustration is often accompanied by the feeling that you lack purpose or meaning, but frustrated people rarely have a realistic view of themselves. Fight this by keeping a record of all your achievements, including daily tasks that you have to perform.[11] X Research source Go to source If you have trouble recognizing any of your accomplishments, you may be suffering from self-esteem issues. Have a friend or family member help you come up with achievements of which you can feel good or proud.

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   Exercise to reduce stress. Physical activity can relieve tension and stress caused by frustration, especially if you exercise in the right environment.[12] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Walk, jog, or hike outdoors in a natural environment if possible.[13] X Research source Go to source If you are not used to exercising regularly, take it slow so you feel refreshed, not exhausted.

   • If you aren't able to take an exercise break while working on a frustrating task, take a shorter break to practice deep breathing or meditation instead.

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   Fight procrastination. Avoid apathy, or severe lack of motivation by working/doing your goals. Choosing purposeful, focused activities that are productive and can be enjoyable, instead of letting your goals slip away due to procrastination. If this description fits, break the cycle with the following tips, if applicable to your situation:[14] X Research source Go to source

   • Remove needless distractions. Whether you are easily distracted, or tend to distract yourself to put off doing a task, take charge of your attention. Turn off your phone, other electronic devices, or the internet, unless required for the specific task you are working on. Clear your work area of all unnecessary items.
   • Set your own reasonable, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, semester and yearly goals, and even mini-deadlines for some personal rewards.
   • Getting through with unpleasant or difficult tasks can strengthen your motivation to turn that success to say" "Now, I'll work hard on my own goals". Add additional reasons to get going, with a positive spin, by rewarding yourself with a healthy snack, good entertainment, or other reward on the condition that you meet a mini-deadline within the hour, or by the end of the day.

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   Change your course. If a personal project or repeated task is frustrating you, set another phase of a project, goal, work or hobby to manage for a while. If you are frustrated at work, brainstorm ways to make your work go more smoothly, or request a shift in your work duties or scheduling.

   • Stay focused on the steps of one task/idea at a time. Stop multitasking/lacking focus on your present effort. Multitasking almost always makes each task more difficult and easier to avoid, even if you personally think you are good at it.[15] X Research source Go to source Instead of working on two tasks concurrently, alternate between them if they're frustrating.
   • Consider alternating between "competing" projects to avoid hitting a wall of frustration while staying productive on both. Spend thirty to sixty minutes on each one with five-minute breaks in between.
   • If your job is causing severe stress and frustration, consider a vacation, take a sabbatical, or even look into changing jobs.

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   Develop healthy expectations of your world. If you hold expectations that things will go easily, that nothing can or will go wrong, and you will achieve everything effortlessly, then you will likely be extremely frustrated and disappointed. The important things in life—work, school, relationships, mastering a skill—are rarely quick or easy. If they start out easily, rarely do they remain so. In fact, the important things in life are rarely easy.

   • Be careful of comparing life to media. In movies and TV, plots are often clear, and easily wrapped up by the credits. Everyone tends to be young, gorgeous, and glamorous. But in real life, rarely if ever is this the case. If you are spending a lot of time consuming media, you will likely get a very skewed sense of the world.
   • Ask others about their struggles in life. The best mirror of reality tends to be friends, family, and peers. Their struggles--jobs, school, romances, family--are likely similar to yours. By talking to them about goals, progress, barriers, and overcoming them, you can get a sense that others are in a similar situation. This can help produce a clearer reality.

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    Recognize negative behavior. Frustration often leads to thoughts and behavior that only make the situation worse. Try to catch yourself when these negative events occur, and immediately take a break using the advice above. Negative behaviors stemming from frustration include:

    • Thinking about what could have happened or what you wish your life was like.[16] X Research source Go to source
    • Spending hours on a task that is neither enjoyable or productive, such as watching a television show you don't like.
    • Sitting and doing nothing at all.

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    Be persistent. Practice. Practice builds mental as well as what is called "muscle-memory". Your hands can know what to do almost like the automatic-pilot of an aircraft. Your "trained subconscious mind"/and instant reactions "know from experience" what to do and when. So you may play music on an instrument perfectly from memory. Developing a goal takes practicing your skills, talents and knowledge (it's building personal experience in your area of expertise).